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Thursday, February 6, 2014

Growing Beyond Guilt and Shame

"We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and  affection. Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.” 
 - BrenĂ© Brown

This past weekend I was having a conversation with some guys I had just met and the recurring theme was guilt and shame. And as one of the gentleman was speaking I could see how the guilt and shame was holding him hostage and preventing him from moving forward in life.  As the young man continued to share his story. I became to understand that he was comfortable with the story that he was telling himself and was not ready to face his reality.  


1. You knew better

2. You caused hurt, harm, or danger

3. You disappointed someone

What is guilt?

Guilt says there is something wrong with what I have done or with what I am doing. 

What is shame?

Shame says something is wrong with who I am. 

Here are some useful tips on how to grow beyond the guilt and shame. 

1. Own Your Story 
can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running. telling the truth pepople say the truth will set you free but first piss you off but I don't think that's true. I think first telling the truth will terrify you. We could be so scared of what we've been through or what's been done to us.You can't change it if you don't get real with yourself about what happened so go for it own your story.

 2. Find A Peer Group
one  powerful way to help heal is the surround yourself with a group of people have been through the same thing as can be so powerful to know that you are not alone. This might be going to a 12-step group or finding a support group. Dont isolate. isolation can be very dangerous and won't help you heal. Get around people who can relate through empathy and love.  

3. Share Your Story
 I know this might sound crazy, scary, a little nuts but trust me sharing your story is so powerful. By sharing your story you take back your power. People won't judge you for what you've been through in fact you're more ikely to help ssomeone else overcome just simply by sharing your story. Its our faults our wounds, and our truth that connects us.

4. Help Someone Else - Be of Service
 Helping someone else is one of the fastest ways to grow out of the shame and guilt. I can tell you that in my own life I've had the privilege of coaching/counseling people. in each one of them has inspired me by their truth and how they show up. Get outside of yourself and help someone else. This is a game changer.


1. Why do you feel like you have done or are doing something wrong? Do you feel that there's truth to why you should feel guilty or asashamed?  you been telling yourself the same "guilty" story for a long time?


2. Is there a theme to the guilt/shame that you feel? (For example, maybe you feel like you're not a good daughter, mother, wife, friend.)


3. What would it take for you to stop feeling guilty Or asashamed? Are you looking for acceptance, for people to love you? What do you need to let go of (or say to someone or yourself) to move forward?


4. Do you feel guilty in most situations—as if you should always be somewhere else, doing more? Right now, choose to be in the present moment. How does it feel? And if you don't like that choice, why?


5. Is your guilt related to a bad decision you made? What did you do? How can you find a way to forgive yourself for what you did or failed to do?


6.Do you feel guilty about not sticking to a diet? Or avoiding the gym? How can shifting your outlook change the way you feel (say, choosing not to deprive yourself but instead eating healthfully)? Would that get rid of the guilt?


7.Are you always taking care of others because you feel guilty putting yourself first? In other words, are you a people pleaser? When was the last time you said yes but you really wanted to say no?


8.Next time you're in a similar situation, say no. How does it feel?


9.Take a step back from your feelings for a moment: Do you make others feel guilty? Whom will you stop treating in this way?

Guilt and shame are wasted emtitions and it is ungodly to. Take responsibility and start making conscious choices. Start by telling the TRUTH because you cannot heal a lie. Give yourself permission to be OKAY. Replace

 the guilt & shame with TRUTH and aaccepting responsibility by forgiving yourself and making amends.